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February 2, 2005
The mirror never lies... or does it? 
This will have to be just a quickie as I'm putting out fires right and left here at work, and as usual, it has me all keyed up and anxious. Other than climbing stairs, no exercise yet today. The hill climb may fall victim to a sandwich in front of the computer, or lunch out, or time at the gym.
Everything, with the exception of my head, hurts. Nothing like two days of pilates in a row, both with weights. Wuhoo, where do I sign up? And every inch of my legs ache—from stairs, from pilates, from weight-lifting? Who knows? And then there's my core, which is just suddenly very cranky. Or achey. Whatever.
I don't doubt that the concierge sees changes. I can feel it in how clothes fit. But in the last couple days, I have been exercising in front of the mirror, and I find it terribly depressing. When I look at myself in the washroom mirror, I'm flabby and large, but I'm not unattractive. There is plenty for me to love—the new visible cheekbones and temple indentions, my muscular arms, my curvy waist, and yes, my round belly, my solid legs. But at the gym, I don't see those redeeming qualities. I'm just fat. Is this how others see me?
Mind you, I'm not entertaining any fantasies that I'm not fat. I know I am. But...
But I'm getting stronger. I'm able to do more pilates, I'm able to lift more, and my walking might be improving too, though that's harder to see.
But my goal of fitting into non-plus-sized athletic wear still seems a long ways off. I'm wanting weight-loss to be an immediate thing. But I want it to be a permanent thing, so I'm not fad-dieting and I'm not trying to lose 5# a week. Heaven knows I've done that before, and look where it's gotten me.
Posted at February 2, 2005
Comments
I have a friend who describes anything that takes a really long time as "slow as weight loss." I think there's never been a truer statement made.
It does take forever, but you're doing really fabulously at focusing on the non-scale improvements--the increased strength, the cheekbones, et al.
And if looking in the mirror at the gym makes you doubt your changes, stop looking in the mirror! You *know* how your body is changing--you don't need a reflection to tell you anything. You live in the body--you *know* what's happening with it.
You're doing great!
Posted by: Megan at February 2, 2005 11:51 AM
I agree. Mirrors are highly subjective. Your gains - gains in muscle, gains in strength, gains in endurance - are there, and you are recognizing them!
Posted by: Lara at February 2, 2005 4:42 PM
Chances are that you will always think something needs trimming when you look in the mirror. Even people who are skinny, skinny have things they want taken care of. So the mirror is really not a good measure of progress, because you are looking for physical changes, as well as changes in how you perceive yourself too.
If the clothes are looser, your endurance is increasing, and you are getting stronger, then you are winning. Good changes are happening and that is your goal. Changing how you feel about yourself takes other types of mental workouts. Stick with the physical workouts and let the mental ones work themselves for now.
You are doing great! Onward!
Posted by: Jon in Michigan at February 2, 2005 6:44 PM
(the *other* Megan!)
I agree with everyone ... slow is so hard, but from everything I've read and heard, it's the better way.
So impressed with all the pilates you've been doing.
Hang in there!
Posted by: Megan at February 3, 2005 5:49 AM
Keep it going, VJ, you are doing so great!
There are documented studies that show that women get especially discouraged when working out in front mirrors. I do it occasionally when I jump rope (it's a real eye opener) but otherwise, I avoid mirrors like the plague! And Lara's right, I hear the skinny chicks at the gym complaining all the time when they look in the mirror, which indicates that the self-criticism never ends no matter how small you get. So as hard as it may be, I would try to concentrate on training/performance goals. Speaking of, congratulations on mastering pilates! I've never been any good at it so I admire your ability to do it.
Posted by: Rebecca at February 3, 2005 6:22 AM
Congrats, seriously. And as for visible changes, I've found that even if I'm on a steady progression, my mirror-image will change in bursts: steady for a while, then a dramatic shift in a couple of days, repeat as needed.
Posted by: Richard at February 3, 2005 7:14 AM
Ugh, yeah... mirrors. I don't work out in front of mirrors unless I'm doing something where checking my posture is important. Otherwise it does get depressing. But we continue on, and get stronger and give the figurative finger to the mirror (or sometimes a real one, lol)... Kudos for your hard work! :)
Posted by: Claire at February 3, 2005 8:52 AM