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March 26, 2005
am I really cut out for this? 
There are days where I'm just slow, and not brave. I try to be brave, I just sometimes don't succeed.
I woke up this morning, and it was pouring. No trail half marathon for me. There will be other races. I suppose I should get over this dislike of rain, but it really rains here infrequently—it's mostly drizzle and mist and that's all fine.
So, I went to an assistant coachs' meeting, which was mostly assembling the goodie bags for participants. I recognized a few people but was having trouble being outgoing. It seemed like everyone else there knew everyone.
I went to check in with the organizer, and, my name wasn't on the list. I felt this shiver of "I'm not supposed to be here" which I tried to quash. I was originally on the AC mailing list, but then I couldn't make the first meeting (the evening of the Austin Marathon), and then I heard nothing for a long long time. So I wrote the organizer a couple weeks back asking what was happening, and got re-added to the list.
This stuff just brings up my "I'm not worthy" stuff—that I'm not enough of a role model, etc, etc. to be an AC. My sometimes inability to be outgoing (like today) makes me think, am I really cut out for this?
I felt better when I saw Hollie, in from her 13 mile run (damn, rain didn't stop her!). But I still wasn't shaking the feeling that maybe I don't belong there.
Posted at March 26, 2005
Comments
That sounds like my "what the hell am I doing this for" feeling on the long runs, which sometimes creep into the races, especially near the end. I know this sounds stupid, but I almost feel like its a survival instinct that causes me so much fear that I "run" away from challenging things to avoid being injured, emotionally or physically. Kinda like the flinch when the needle hits your arm. You need the shot but you jump anyway.
Just gotta keep fighting it and push on through, VJ. Dig in and push, as Chris Brogan says. The more often I can move through it to a good outcome, the easier it is the next time.
Posted by: Jon in Michigan at March 26, 2005 3:08 PM
VJ, I was so happy to see you'd made it this morning. I figured you'd be out on your own pursuits and would just catch up with the AC crowd on the first day of PFit, but it was great to see you there. I know it seems like everyone's old chums already and I think that's actually pretty accurate. And while that's great for those of us who've been there for a few seasons, I totally see how it could be intimidating to a new AC.
We represent the core PFit group and we've bonded perhaps more than the rest of the group at large, but I hope you believe me when I say that we are SO glad to have you join us. You're exactly the kind of person who makes a great AC and I hope that you'll don that white hat come the beginning of the season.
The other part that helped me to break the ice with the other ACs when I didn't know many folks was to come to Tully's after our walk/run on Saturday mornings. There's a great big group of us who have a reserved table at the Tully's on NW 23rd and who love to sit around and talk about all things distance. Two or three weeks ago, Dave Stewart, who was at the PFit cheering station during the Portland Marathon this year, mentioned you while we were at Tully's and what a determined, fighting spirit you are. He was there when you passed by and remembers your blisters and how tough it was for you and was so impressed by you.
So what I guess I'm trying to say is that we do want you to be an AC, you ARE a wonderful role model, and I hope that as the season progresses you'll start to feel like you've found your place.
See you next Saturday!
Posted by: AC Hollumns at March 26, 2005 4:34 PM
What a great post, and I can certainly relate to the feelings you described! And OF COURSE you belong. You're an inspiration!!
Posted by: Nancy Toby at March 26, 2005 5:05 PM
I have days when I am not as strong as I was the day before. I either push through in spite of myself or I realize that tomorrow is another day. besides, it seems like it gets easier with practice.
Posted by: Chrissie at March 26, 2005 5:19 PM
Go VJ! Go VJ! Get your thing on! It's your birthday...
That was my song.....
And just for the rest of the RBF's note..it was WET WET WET HERE. Gross wet, with wind and animals plunking down (cats and dogs) WET
Posted by: brit at March 26, 2005 6:14 PM
We can't always be brave... but striving to be brave whenever possible is what's important. I think you do that.
Posted by: Rachel at March 27, 2005 7:25 AM