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June 19, 2006
I need an adjustment 
I've been making a determined effort to be upbeat in these posts, but dammit, I'm having a rough time.
My lower back issue seems to be a combination of my torqued pelvis and some muscle imbalance, and it was steadily improving... until Saturday. I came home from the Bike Summit and stayed prone the rest of the day. On Sunday, we ran to the store for a quick errand, and well before it was over, I was wracked with pain.
Today, Monday, more of the same. Dammit.
I had been hoping that I could go to the athletic trainer today to talk about what I need to do to be back amongst the able-bodied, but I'm really in too much pain.
...
I went to the Bike Summit on Saturday, and it was very positive and energizing for the most part.
But I have to say, there are times I hate being a fat person, and this was one of them. There was a huge turnout, and it appeared that there were maybe 5 people there who eat cheese. Everyone else vegan-thin. There were exactly two fat people there, and I was one of them.
There was lots of talk in the main room, or so it seemed, about obesity. On one hand, of course I'm all for preventing obesity—I know the health risks, the costs, the stigma. And yet, it's a little optimistic to think that if people bicycle, they'll lose weight. I bicycle. I walk more than most people. I take the stairs. By all accounts, I'm very active. And I'm dieting, and I seem to be growing at what I would have thought was an unsustainable pace. I've regained all the weight I've lost, and it appears my body is dead set upon putting on another 40#.
Maybe it's my age that's helping, maybe my crash dieting in my 20s. Who knows? All I know is, it's disturbing.
Can you say pariah?
I know it's the fucked up stuff in my head that's getting in my way—no one was talking about me. But while the intro, and the two workshops really were good, and made me feel impowered, the closing panel didn't. And I don't think it was anything that was said, honestly. It was probably just my feeling tired... my lower back hurting, and feeling like I didn't really know anyone—even though I do know people. Not a lot, but there are people I recognize, and some people I've even introduced myself to.
Looking back on it now, I know I should have just gone home before the closing. I just should have recognized that, but I didn't.
...
I had to box up my office on Friday. The office was getting painted and recarpeted, all very nice, and I have to say, it does look very nice. I didn't throw out as much as I should have, but I did some dunging out, and it was quite good. This morning, as I was unpacking, I threw out more.
At home, this weekend, I cleaned out my closet. It was good, and sad, and scary, to see that I've outgrown most of my clothes, but it's a positive to get it out of my closet, so I can really see what I have to wear. Right now, not much.
I am having some tremendous house lust right now. I have to remind myself that my house is plenty big for two people, though right now it seems just big enough for the dog. I'm trying to let go of stuff. It's hard. I feel blocked to some extent, but, I keep chipping away.
Posted at June 19, 2006
Comments
I just want you to know how much your blog means to me. I just started reading it and, like you, I'm stuggling with my weight. Hang in there, honey. Some days it's all you can do.
Posted by: susan at June 19, 2006 6:48 PM
Hey. A friend of mine turned me on to your blog. I'm also slow, fat and very active. I'm a runner (jogger, shuffler, whatever). I am adding your RSS feed. Really glad I found your site.
Posted by: Amber at June 20, 2006 12:28 PM
I'm feeling some similar things - my efforts to increase my fitness and decrease my weight don't seem to be going anywhere. With the stress I have right now, "Why bother?" seems to be becoming my mantra.
Posted by: neca at June 20, 2006 12:29 PM