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October 26, 2006
... 
I finally have the 24-speed back in my greedy hands, so I've been using it as my regular commuter. It really makes my life that much easier. Yes, I know I could just got off my three-side and walk it up the hill—yes, I know that would be faster. Sigh.
Lately, I've really been struggling with body image. I mean, I haven't been happy that I've gained back the weight that I worked so hard to lose, but just in the last couple months, I've been feeling a brand new sense of self-loathing that is really hard to shake. Especially since my body really doesn't seem to care what I eat, or how much, or what times: it just wants to pack on some more weight.
Shessh. I still commute most days by bike. I still make neighborhood trips by bike. I still do a lot more walking than the average bear. No matter.
Last night, I walked up from work to school. Now, some back story: I didn't get any lunch until 3:30, and had no dinner. I was running entirely on adrenaline.
The distance from work to school is about 3/4 of a mile. In other words, nothing. But it is uphill.
As usual, I was late, I had a heavy satchel, etc, so I was hustling up to school. Totally out of breath.
Sheesh. A year and a half ago, I did the Columbia Gorge Marathon. Now I get out of breath not even running up a hill?
I hate that. I can't even tell you how much I hate that.
Climbing the 3 stories to get to class or lab is more of the same. It is so embarrassing to be the fat sweaty out-of-breath woman, that I walk up one flight of stairs, then walk across the building to another staircase, up another flight, repeat. I'm really dedicated to not taking the elevator, but ugh.
I know I didn't get here overnight, and I won't get out of here overnight, either. I've been trying to ramp up the exercise: making sure I walk the stairs at work, walk a little more, ride a little more. But it feels like I'm making no progress at all.
...
Anyways.
The 24-speed had lived on someone's front porch for over a month. In that time, everything that could quickly be stolen, was, and somehow the bike computer got screwed up.
So, I haven't even been looking at the computer. Why bother? And then today, as I was cursing out some drivers who were trying to run me off the road, I saw that I was going 17mph. Huh? Suddenly, the computer was working! And of course, now I'm even more pissed because, damn, I'm moving plenty fast.
I stop at the light, and then when I get the green, proceed... and on the computer, there's nada. Zip. Then I'm into the downhill by the Rose Quarter, and suddenly, it's working again, and I'm going 24mph (it's a downhill, that's about right).
So who knows what's going on, really?
Posted at October 26, 2006
Comments
Come on, VJ, cut yourself some slack!
I dont mean false bravado, but you have a
healthier perspective on all this stuff than any-
one I know. Thats why we keep coming here
bon courage!
Posted by: theo at October 27, 2006 8:53 AM
It's so frustrating to feel like our efforts are not worth it! That feeling has sabotaged me again and again. It seems like it's harder too, when I'm caught in a cycle of negative feelings about my body. When I can try to make the effort to think positively about myself and what I'm doing, things just seem to work better - not faster, but better. Feel free to tell Pollyanna to shush now.
; )
Posted by: Lara at October 28, 2006 8:52 AM
I feel your pain about losing some of your in-shapedness. It's all a continuum though; there's no way I could have even walked the 3/4 of a mile that you did, without getting seriously winded. I haven't been out on my bike in weeks, since the stomach flu. I keep telling myself it's all a matter of what we make time for, but I feel like I have so much on my plate I don't know how to adjust.
I'm sorry I haven't been reading much lately.....I need to get a feed from your blog over here....
Posted by: Cheesepuppet at October 30, 2006 10:01 PM