October 3, 2008
feelings, nothing more than
I just got back from a work lunch which left me feeling very lonely. Though that has really been the dominant feeling for the last couple weeks.
My beloved and I are no longer together. I made some ill-advised statements, hoping to generate a conversation, and he left. We talk daily, but we aren't really talking. The situation is completely and totally out of my control now. I feel abandoned, I feel sad. I feel like I may never stop crying.
From My Stroke of Insight (by Jill Bolte Taylor), I've learned a little about feelings and the brain. My feelings of grief and sadness originate in my limbic system. The limbic system is a section of the brain that we share with other mammals. It controls our ability to pay attention, our learning and memory, and fear and rage. The limbic system is like a 2 year old that never matures, it just reacts, which maybe explains why I start crying with no provocation.
The feeling of aloneness, of my skin not touching his, refers to the kinesthetic experience, touch and palpation, which involves the postcentral gyrus of the cerebral cortex. And the feeling, the intuition, that I've entirely fucked this up, is grounded in the right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex.
I really don't know anything yet about the cerebral cortex, but it's clear I need to learn.
Some things are good. I'm glad that he's no longer in the house, though I miss him so much that I think sometimes it will crush me. Even though I so want to reconcile with him, I suspect we have irreconcilable differences, which doesn't stop me from hoping that perhaps something will change.