I'm on page 552 on Infinite Jest. I can't tell you how much I am loving this book. The problem with it is that it makes time disappear. Entire hours evaporate. It's amazing.

I am completely obsessed with two things right now. Well, three, but we've already talked about IJ.

I've been listening compulsively to CBC's Radio 3, indie music from Canada that's online and on Sirius. It totally is rocking my world, and it's sent me to the record store twice in the last 5 days. Of course, I haven't just bought Canadian artists, but that's been a focus: Metric, A. C. Newman, Apostle of Hustle, Immaculate Machine, and a Crash Test Dummies greatest hits which doesn't include God Shuffled his Feet, which had sent me running to the record store in the first place. Oh well. More Crash Test Dummies in my future, obviously.

I love that I can listen to radio 3 online, I love that I can add songs to my own playlist, but the Flash interface that makes it so hipster also means you can't link to something. And I always forget that if I want to look at an artist's profile, I have to look under New Music Canada. So part of me has thought I need to do a canadian bands I like site with OCD links to all and every bit of press, etc. (But VJ, that already exists... they call it Wikipedia)

I'm also obsessed with naturescaping my backyard. The big focus there is removing invasive species, like the Travelers Joy Clematis that is fighting with the Tibetan Blackberry for control of the non-wooded part of the lot, and planting native species.

For those of you who haven't been by lately, my backyard is about 2/3 wooded and 1/3 sunny. I have 7 trees in the backyard. I loves my trees.

This started innocently enough: I read about someone who had pursued Audubon certification for having a backyard wildlife habitat, and then I found myself spending more time than is healthy reading about it online and in books. I'm sold.

In this last year, I've had more birds and more butterflies than ever before. And I don't feed the birds, either. It's not like I've gone out of my way to plant, well, much of anything, but suddenly this year, I've seen hummingbirds in both the front and back yards (first for either).

So today, while I was avoiding doing chores, I decided to go to the neighborhood plant store and see if they had any books on naturescaping. They did have a book that I've decided is essential, but it's also $50, which felt like a big commitment for what might end up being another of my infatuations. So I decided to wander around the nursery.

And that's when I saw them -- two flying mice. I refocused my eyes, and realized that they were fluffy little hummingbirds, with their blurs for wings, drinking from a somewhat homely looking native fuschia. They didn't seem to mind at all that two humans were gawking at them, just a few feet away. The light was defused so that they looks like little fuzzy brown birds -- but it was clear they were hummingbirds.

So. I'm smitten. Ruined.

I'm also sorta planning out a vacation to go up to Vancouver Island and see my pal Chrissie. She's moved up to the most beautiful place in the world, and so I have to visit. And spend a lot of time on boats. It sounds so good...

Also on the obsession list is making plans to visit the various ferries in the area (who knew there were ferry near Portland, not me). And this morning, someone in my scooter club had the brilliant idea of inviting all us to breakfast at the Deck. It was supposed to get to 100 degrees today, so the idea of scootering over to the Columbia river, and sitting on the deck of a houseboat-restaurant at 9am sounded like the best thing possible. And it was. It was almost chilly, and gorgeous.

That's not to say that everything is sunny -- I'm still not out of the woods, emotionally, and I am still no closer to being happy that I'm single, but the obsessions seem positive at the very least.

Join endurance bibliophiles from around the world in reading Infinite Jest over the summer of 2009, June 21st to September 22nd. A thousand pages ÷ 92 days = 75 pages a week. No sweat.

I'm a big DFW non-fiction fan and have been for a long time, but I hadn't read his fiction.

It's not just because that Infinite Jest is huge, being the DFW novel, and at 1079 pages a big commitment (though he has several written several, less prominent pieces of fiction).

I tend to not read a whole lot of fiction in general, and I want fiction to have the same sorts of affect that I get from nonfiction: I want to learn something from it.

It goes without saying that I am behind, but not as badly as I might have thought. I need to be at p. 168 tomorrow -- I'm currently at p. 124. (This means I'm at 12.6%, which is definitely behind) This long weekend has been good to hole up and read, and also to look at the various other David Foster Wallace reading aids and videos, and IS blogs, etc., and try to make connections.

Last night, I watched Another Random Bit: the perspective of David Foster Wallace, which features parts from his Harpers pieces, A Trip to the Fair, and A supposeably fun thing, which were republished in A supposedly fun thing I'll never do again : essays and arguments. I've loved both the essays, and read them repeatedly, and yet there is something so poetic in hearing his read them before an audience.

But reading Infinite Jest is hard. It's huge, it's vast, and especially at the beginning, it has too many characters, too many stories. It's so complex-- Infinite Jest is one of those things, I fear, that required repeated readings.

Given that I haven't read a physical book in awhile, this has been both daunting, and enjoyable. I've started charting things out, since they aren't presented in a linear sense; the subsidized years, the characters, the connections.

And I did feel like I was wandering in the wilderness until I came to footnote 24, a 9 page filmography of James Incandenza. And then, I started seeing the connections, and feeling like this might make a very interesting map.

***
I'm reading a library copy but I'm not guessing that I'll be able to keep it so I can finish it, so I have a copy on order with my favorite local bookstore... which I hope will get it soon, because I'm beginning to panic... just a little.

***
There is also just way too much here that reveals (in retrospect) the pain that DFW knew. The chapter on Kate Gompert, a suicide in a mental ward, is really painful. I've been there (the emotional part, not the physically locked up part), and knowing that DFW was too... I mean, of course he was there. Which doesn't lessen the sting of his being gone.

***
In another universe, I'm loving Lynda Barry's later works. What It Is is a revelation, the power of reading, of drawing, and the stories that we tell ourselves in doing these things. She writes the Editor's foreword for Best American Comics, 2008 exploring these topics as well.

A couple resources for other Infinite Summerarians:

• A supposably fun blog
• Infinite Zombies
• Human Complex, an addict's (and tennis fan's) guide to IJ
• Livejournal IS group
• IS Progress tracker

Part of it is having less time than I used. Part of it is just not feeling that happy, and not feeling like I have a lot to share right now.

But I had a really nice evening where I got to hang out with some very nice people, and it reminded me that maybe, at some point, my life will get back to being more warm and less hassle.

I've turned the corner. I'm no longer crying all the time, and while I'm sad a lot, really most of the time, I think it's natural. Of course I'm sad -- my relationship of the last 10 years is gone. It's a big change.

But I'm finding that I can take care of myself. For the most part, I'm not lonely in the house, but I do miss having my best friend close by. I think that might be the hardest part, the separation from my best friend.

In the last few weeks, I've begun housecleaning in earnest. I've been decluttering like a fiend, and the results are getting to be quite visible. A few weeks ago, I started putting away all the stuff that my beloved had given to me, all the "us" stuff, and things that he's left behind that he may or may not ever come back for are going into boxes so I don't have to still be looking at them.

I'm trying to figure out what I want my life to look like -- and what I want my home to look like.

My focus has been very much on my home. Suddenly, I'm feeling very domestic. Today I bought a cute apron at a tienda I happened upon, and I'm in the process of knitting one for myself as well.

I've gotten to obsess about things. I finally just broke down and bought lidded trash cans for the rooms that the cat boxes are in, and I'm so very happy about it.

In the last week or so, I've been obsessed with end tables. I've thought about repurposing something else, always a favorite of mine, but I think I've found what I've wanted -- at least, I've found it and tonight I must sleep on it. Tomorrow, hopefully, I can pick them up.

Work is a mixed bag. I still love my job and still feel very lucky to have it, very lucky to be where I am, but I feel like my new boss is unhappy with me. Initially, I had worked myself into a froth about that, but now I'm feeling a little more secure about things. It's not as I'd like things to be -- I want everyone to adore me. But that's life, isn't it?

My beloved and I are no longer together. I made some ill-advised statements, hoping to generate a conversation, and he left. We talk daily, but we aren't really talking. The situation is completely and totally out of my control now. I feel abandoned, I feel sad. I feel like I may never stop crying.

From My Stroke of Insight (by Jill Bolte Taylor), I've learned a little about feelings and the brain. My feelings of grief and sadness originate in my limbic system. The limbic system is a section of the brain that we share with other mammals. It controls our ability to pay attention, our learning and memory, and fear and rage. The limbic system is like a 2 year old that never matures, it just reacts, which maybe explains why I start crying with no provocation.

The feeling of aloneness, of my skin not touching his, refers to the kinesthetic experience, touch and palpation, which involves the postcentral gyrus of the cerebral cortex. And the feeling, the intuition, that I've entirely fucked this up, is grounded in the right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex.

I really don't know anything yet about the cerebral cortex, but it's clear I need to learn.

Some things are good. I'm glad that he's no longer in the house, though I miss him so much that I think sometimes it will crush me. Even though I so want to reconcile with him, I suspect we have irreconcilable differences, which doesn't stop me from hoping that perhaps something will change.

That's the longest I've ridden in a really long time. And admittedly, that's not contiguous. I rode a little over three and a half miles from home to the Goose Hollow MAX station, and then six and a half miles from Quatama into downtown Hillsboro.

It felt great. I'm surprised at how great it feels to be riding so much.

At Quatama, I rode south on 205th to Baseline. Here in Washington County, the bike lanes start and stop at will, with no warning, and generally in the worst possible places, like after a curve crossing a bridge.

Sometimes there are bikes lanes. Sometimes there are sidewalks. Sometimes there are shoulders. Sometimes, I just take the lane. What's a girl to do?

I cross Beaverton Creek, and then another creek.

Right after I cross 231st Ave, I must be in Hillsboro, because suddenly the next street is 60th Ave. Noble Woods Park is across the street, full of very tall evergreens and looking very sylvan.

At that point, about 3 miles into that leg, I feel like I'm almost there.

But I've been noticing that if I can get some bicycling in, I can break my moroseness, and get back to something like myself. So I'm upping the biking. It's a mental health issue. I'm okay with that.

I've been focusing more lately on what I'm eating and drinking, and the types of exercise I'm getting.

Maybe a month or two ago, I borrowed a folding bike from a friend, and I absolutely adored it. It rode great. It folded up tiny. It weighs next to nothing (or, 30#). So I took a couple of weeks to think about it, and finally went a few weeks and bought one. A folding bike of my own!

I'm loving riding it. Today I rode 2 miles into town, and then another 4.5 miles from a train stop to work. It really makes me feel good -- and it makes me sleep good, too.

And yesterday, for the first time in I don't know how long, I went to the gym. I did some upper-body strengthening that I'm still feeling. But it's a good feeling. I'm planning to go back in tomorrow.
_________

Sometimes, I think I'm really doing well, self-esteemwise. And then.... like yesterday, or the day before, I saw a picture taken in June. It's not flattering, at all! All I could see in the photo was my belly. Now, I'm not deluded. I know I have a belly, and I'll probably have a belly the rest of my life. Even when I got down to my post-college low of 160#, I had a belly. I doubt it's the first thing anyone notices about me. But for whatever reason, that's what I see on myself.

I want to love my body. But I want you to love my body as well. Is that too much to ask?

Admittedly, I finally got my transit pass, which makes me insanely, insanely happy. I was losing hope that I would ever get it.

But, I've had two motorvehicles die on me in 6 days. I'm feeling a little superstitious at this point.

I was running out to Tigard to see a friend on Sunday when my clutch failed on Hwy 26. I got up the Sylvan hill, and up the Sylvan exit, and then the car stopped and refused to go any further.

Two days and a lot of money later, I had a car with a new clutch... that still isn't running right. I wish I had a mechanic that I could trust.

Today, I had thought I would be meeting my friend downtown ... but she wanted to meet at her house (not convenient to public transit). Okay, so I jumped on the scooter. We were going to get breakfast at a wildly popular place, and then go to the Farmer's Market, go to her favorite chocolate shop, REI, and then our favorite restaurant for some good yiddish soul food.

But first, I had to stop at the ATM about 15 blocks away.

And when I tried to start the scooter again, no such luck.

I had a big hill to walk the scooter up, and then of course, the rest of the way home. It took an hour and a half.

It was notable that black folks were the only ones to stop and see how I was doing, or if I needed help. I saw lots of people while I pushed the damn 350# scooter home, the vast majority of them white, but I had one woman commiserate and offer her phone; two guys on bicycles stop and ask how I was doing and if they could help; and a clutch of women on a house stoop commiserated, offered the phone, and offered to help.

Two of my neighbors (also african-american) scolded me for not calling them (if only I had had their numbers with me!).

Obviously I need a new plan of action. I'm going to:

1. get on a towing plan (AAA or BetterWorld)
2. get a new cellphone where I can actually hear the person I'm talking to

And right now I'm going to take a nap, because I'm exhausted!

This is based on Guilty Carnivore's Vietnamese Chicken Slaw, which I'm guessing is based on the Spicy Cabbage & Chicken Salad in Andrea Nguyen's Into The Vietnamese Kitchen.

Salad Components

1 head green cabbage, shredded
2 carrots, shredded
(instead of cabbage & carrots, I use prepared coleslaw and broccoli slaw mixes)
1/2 bunch of cilantro, chopped coarsely
24 leaves spearmint
12 purple perilla leaves (these are available at a Viet grocery -- if you can't get them, just add another 12 leaves of mint)

Dressing

2 cloves of garlic, forced through a garlic press
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
Juice of two small limes (or one big lime)
3 tablespoons sugar
a dash of salt
1 and 1/2 tablespoons fish sauce
3 thai bird chilies, minced
1 and 1/2 tablespoons sesame oil
1 teaspoon garlic chili sauce or siracha

Garnish

Handful of roasted peanuts (no skins)

First make the dressing, combining the ingredients above and giving it a taste to be sure it is as you like it. I used a Korean hot sesame oil, which just about blew my head off, so I skipped the hot peppers and hot sauce completely (and added more rice vinegar, lime & fish sauce). If you don't care for spicy hot, skip the hot stuff, and reduce the sugar to a teaspoon or less, tasting for seasoning.

If you want to be super traditional, chop the garlic & peppers, and then use a mortar & pestle to pound and mash them. The smell that come off them when they're pasty is so superior to my quick version, and it really doesn't take that much longer.

Now, to the salad. Chiffonade your herbs, and put them in a large bowl. Add cabbage & salad (or slaw mix), and toss thoroughly. Just before eating, add the dressing and toss to mix well. The salad may wilt a little -- that's no problem. Now taste it for balance of sour, sweet, salty & spicy, and transfer to a serving plate leaving any excess dressing behind. Garnish with roasted peanuts.

Now, I do think about meat and dairy all the time. I think several types of thoughts:
- gosh, I feel better since I'm not eating that
and
- gosh, that tastes so good, I hope I'll get to eat it again.
I always think that meat and dairy are going to taste better. No, they taste different, but not better. In fact, I have to say that I've felt a bit let down with each bit of meat or dairy I've had.

I remember feeling this way after the 6 week vegan detox last year, that this stuff was okay, but not the great fantastic thing that I had been expecting. So why do I keep going back for more?

For the most part, it's a social thing. Though today I just broke down and I have no excuses other than that I thought it would taste crazy good. And really, not so much.

++++++
Yesterday was fun. My sweetie had to work so I stayed home and got domestic. I made no-knead bread, veggie stock, and then red lentil soup; I washed clothes and did other unromantic things which made me feel all swell inside.

And to my great shock, I am continuing to lose weight very slowly. This weekend, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, I got vegan cookies and desserts, I ate chocolate. And still lost weight. I spent most of the weekend on the couch, just lying around. And still lost weight. It's crazy.

I'm not consistently hitting 10,000 steps a day, but I'm getting closer. And while I manage to forget my weight about a half-hour after I get off the scale, I'm still left with the sense that either I'm losing, I'm maintaining, or I'm gaining.

For the most part, it's been losing. I'm trying to keep to the Michael Pollan plan (eat food... not too much... mostly plants). In spite of several evening events this week, in spite of a beer and some cassoulet, in spite of a day where I barely ate any plants at all, I am very slowly losing. I mean, slowly. And that's exactly how I want it.
....
Not surprisingly, I've had some interesting walks. One day, I walked to the MAX (about 20 minutes), got off at the grocery store, loaded up my bags, and then repeated the process home. I learned that I'm not crazy about carrying groceries for any distance.

Another day, I planned to walk to my favorite cafe in town, about 4.5 miles. But once I got outside, it was raining, and then it was snowing, and then this didn't seem to be such a great idea. So again, I walked to the MAX and took it part of the way there, and then walked through the neighborhood. It still took me a while, and by the time I got to the MAX, my socks were already socked. Thank g-d they were wool, so they were still warm. Not long after I got off MAX, my pants and shoes were soaked too. But it was still a good walk, and a fairly long one, the sort that made me very blissfully tired.
.....
The other night I went to a fantastic potluck with Julia Child as the theme. We had all read Child's My Life in France, and our hostess made the most fabulous cassoulet. I struggled for days trying to think of something vegan to make that would appeal to the other guests, and also something that would not require an entire day of cooking.

It was quite a relief to come across the Salade Composee from The French Chef Cookbook, which is just marinated veggies & beans on top of salad greens. In spite of that, it was quite elegant.

Salade Composee

for the vinaigrette

1-2 Tablespoons wine vinegar or lemon juice
a smidge of salt
fresh ground pepper
1/4 teaspoon dijon or dry mustard
6-8 Tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil

for the salad

a can of borlotti beans, rinsed & drained (you can use any kind)
raw zucchini sliced
raw mushrooms sliced
salad greens
cherry tomatoes
nicoise olives
fingerling or banana potatoes, chopped into bitesized pieces
parsley

1. cook the fingerling potatoes in salted water for about 10 minutes, or until tender
2. create the vinaigrette by placing all the ingredients in a bowl, and whisking until combined
3. marinate beans, zucchini, mushrooms and potatoes in vinaigrette for 20-30 minutes
4. dress the greens lightly and arrange on a planter. Mound the food items in their own pyramids. Sprinkle a little more vinaigrette and chopped parsley on top

Obviously, the idea is to make a nice salad with what you have on hand. I think marinating asparagus and green beans, and then grilling would be an excellent addition. If I were still eating fish, I'd add a good European tuna packed in olive oil. Easter egg radishes would be pretty, and grilled zucchini or carrot slices would be nice, too.

But most of the time, I come home from work, and we impromptu decide what we're going to eat. This isn't the best of all possible worlds as we're invariably both hungry, which leads us to eating canned soup and fake meat sandwiches.

So I actually did some research on what we could make in that sort of instance, and came up with Jacque Pepin's Cold Black Bean Soup. It being winter, I warmed it up a little.

Black Bean Soup

a large can of black beans
olive oil
hot sauce
several cloves of garlic
salt
veggie broth
cilantro
lime
avocado

1. puree part or all of the black beans with some olive oil
2. add hot sauce, garlic and salt to taste
3. add enough broth to make it creamy
4. heat and serve, garnished with chopped cilantro & chunked avocado. A squirt of lime really brings it to life.

adding salsa is another variant that is very good.

My local yarn shop has gotten slipper bottoms in, so I can begin making slippers for everyone I know once I finish said baby blanket.

And the embers armwarmers are excruciatingly close to done. I just need to spend a little bit more time on them.

I'm planning to start going through my stash and dunging it out. Stuff with labels I may try to sell, stuff without I'll probably donate. I'm ridiculously excited about this... It's part of my decluttering effort, which is moving glacially slowly. But, it's moving.

This morning, I went to make myself a blended salad, which usually looks like a smoothie from the raspberries and strawberries in it. But I forgot, conveniently, that I am not supposed to be eating any seeds, which raspberries and strawberries have in spades. So I think I pulled the majority of them out, but who knows?

Anyways, the result was that my blended salad was light green in color—not something I want to take out in public with me. I need to find some way to color and flavor these now that I can't eat berries temporarily. I wonder how wildly expensive berry juices are?

+++
My sweetie is losing a lot of weight, and lately, his blood sugar has been in the ideal range. This is exciting stuff. I've been seeing other signs of him being in better health as well.

Me, if I'm losing, it's going very very slowly. Very not dramatic. But I'm interested in trying to improve my own health as well.

I'm eating almost vegan at home. The almost is the occasional package of ramen and putting butter blend on my slices of homemade bread. I'm still eating a couple meals out a week, and eating whatever I want when I do.

I've been wearing the pedometer religiously, but not so good about getting 10,000 steps in a day. Today I will make it. I will! Yesterday I danced while washing dishes and baking bread but I still came in with a lousy step count. Grumble.

++++
The biggest news in my kitchen has been baking almost no-knead bread. The hype is true -- it's easy, and it's tasty.

I've been using the Cooks Illustrated recipe, which includes some vinegar and beer for flavor. I started with the all-white flour loaf, which was really a bread I'd be happy to buy. Yesterday, I made the whole wheat loaf, which was even better.

The way this stuff works is:
one, dump all your ingredients in a bowl. Stir with a spatula to combine. This may take all of five minutes. Cover with plastic wrap and place in a warm place for 8-18 hours.
two, roll your sticky dough out onto a floured surface and give it about 10 to 15 kneads. Plop it on a sprayed sheet of parchment and let sit for 2 hours.
three, about an hour and a half later, put your dutch oven and lid in the oven and let it heat up at 500 degrees.
four, when it's time to bake the bread, just transfer the dough on parchment to the dutch oven, leaving the parchment beneath. If you like something on the crust, add it now, and take a sharp knife and cut the dough's top. Now, put on the lid and let bake at 425 for a half hour.
five, take off the lid, put in the temp probe, and give it 15-20 more minutes, until the outside of the bread is a deep brown, and the inside is 210 degrees. Let the bread cool on a rack, and leave the house for 2 hours.
six, come back and enjoy. Your house will smell good and everything tastes better with with fresh bread.

I have never been able to bake bread outside of a bread machine, so having made two perfect loaves in two weeks just makes me feel like I've worked some kind of magic.

We moseyed through downtown and the PSU campus to 12th & College, climbing the first hill over the freeway. There at 12th & College is a public staircase, one of many in Portland. A couple of guys in much better shape than us mentioned that it had 179 steps. Luckily for us, there were landings perhaps every 50 steps or so.

The staircase was so step that I couldn't look down towards the city from the landings -- and I'm not usually scared of heights.

It was a great walk. Once we were up the stairs, we were on Cardinell, and we walked back down the hill and back into the city. Just like that.

4 small yukon gold potatoes
2 medium carrots, cut into 1/4-inch dice
2 celery ribs, cut into 1/4-inch dice
3 garlic cloves, chopped fine
1/4 medium onion, chopped fine
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 pound lentilles du Puy (French green lentils), picked over and rinsed (about 2 cups)
8 cups weak veggie broth

Peel potatoes and cut into 1/4-inch dice. In a 5- to 6-quart heavy kettle cook potatoes, carrots, celery, garlic, and onion in butter over moderate heat, stirring frequently, until onion is softened, about 4 minutes. Add lentils, broth, and salt and pepper to taste and simmer, uncovered, stirring occasionally, 45 minutes, or until vegetables are tender and soup is thickened. Serve soup garnished with parsley.

I was really pleased with how this turned out. It's very basic, mid-western if you will, but really yummy.

This week has been a mixed bag exercise-wise. I've worn the pedometer every day and only made it to about 8200 steps each day. 'Course, I haven't calibrated the pedometer, but to me that's now the point.

I did ride my bike one day. Riding into work was glorious. Riding home was a chore. I need to figure out what tools I need to adjust the seat and handlebars.

I went to the Portland Knitters Guild meeting last night. Great group. I'm looking forward to going back.

There is something just delightful about buying food that's good for you. It's so damn virtuous. Of course, it would be more virtuous if I had a pot of bean soup on the stove right now, but one battle at a time.

I ordered two new pedometers for myself and my sweetie -- those arrived today. Tomorrow, our giant copy of Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything Vegetarian: Simple Meatless Recipes for Great Food (2000 recipes!) and Dr. Neal Barnard's Program for Reversing Diabetes: The Scientifically Proven System for Reversing Diabetes Without Drugs. Our ducks are getting ready to line up.

Yesterday I went out with K & R to the Oregon Coast. It was a typical winter day, ie, grey, rainy, icky. We got all soaked through, and then drove to Seaside and did it again. By the time we hit the road to come back to town, the rain had turned to snow, and the mountains passes became icky, and then, near Elsie, all traffic ground to a complete and total stop. And stayed at a stop for well over an hour.

The snow was gorgeous, outlining the tiny limbs on the giant trees, but boy it was making a mess of the roads.

We made it back to town without incident, but not without noticing that all of the vehicles that had spun out and spun off the road were 4 by 4s.